The Red Brick Times

In light of the recent statistical findings that consumption of beer and liquor 4 to 5 times per week have shown a 30% reduction in heart attack mortality, I am tempted to obtain a single malt 12-year-old poteen and up my ancestors every other day.

It is common knowledge that Johnny Appleseed went thither and yon spreading seeds widely. But it is not commonly known that at the time he did so, apples were not comestibles. The varieties of the time were sour and unpalatable. The most frequent use for apples was to make cider. And when they said cider, they meant rip-roaring, fire-breathing, hairy-chested, Friday-night-regalement, swell-headed, boot-stomping, triple-XXX throat searing liquid that was the water of life distilled from the fruits of the wild. So Johnny Appleseed was not the gentleman farmer hobo of the pioneer past. He was a gleeful elfin Bacchus of libertine debauchery who reveled in keeping a good portion of the populace tippling and tipsy. So up our ancestors! Huzzah! Wallow and be merry for you will not be the first.

Of course, there is always art. There is an exhibition called "From Tankards to Teacups: The Art of Serving Beverages in Early America"
from which description I extract the following fragment:

"Since colonial times beer, tea, whiskey and wine have factored into the fabric of American customs and culture. Early colonists found water mistrustful; if alive today our forebearers would be shocked to see so many progeny toting tinted plastic bottles of "designer" water. One historian notes that the "Pilgrims" landed at the particular site of "Plymouth Rock," because of a shortage of beer. One of the first buildings erected was a brew house. Advertisements in the English press followed for "brew masters" to make the journey to the Americas. Drinking water could produce illness and even death, but the boiling of beer killed bacteria. Ale, beer, and later homemade wine, whiskey and imported tea were all beverages that people consumed from cradle to grave."

Here's lookin' up your old address!


Posted 1:24 PM by Andy (0) comments

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